I swear this has got to be some sort of record! Last Friday we went to the shopping mall to return a slow cooker which had begun to turn slightly green at the bottom of the ceramic insert. This problem miraculously appeared when we came to Melbourne and so I phoned Kambrook to ask them for an explanation.

They thought that it might have to do with the copper connections or the glaze or whatever and would I return it to the place of purchase?

Well, that was music to my ears, because I was now reassured that everything was back to normal since my husband’s bout of peritonitis. We would buy something, do our own quality control tests and then return said or is that sad item to the place of purchase. Don’t you just love that expression? “Place of purchase” sounds so grand. I must admit I’m suitably impressed when I read that on the warranty pamphlet.

So, on Friday we went back to the store and returned the slow cooker. We then decided to spend a little more and buy the Breville Banquet Meal Maker. Yes, it was taking a risk but what the heck? My husband had to have the best chicken soup in the world and this item was the right stuff.

I cooked the meal and then adjusted the setting to “warm” according to the directions. It kept on boiling and gave me pause as to whether this should be the case. There seemed to be no “slow” in the slow cooker but the meal was superb and thoroughly cooked.

Today I decided to make enquiries about the settings so I phoned Breville and asked them whether Keep Warm meant keep boiling at full speed. The lovely man went away to consult with the mavens and came back to ask me whether I still had my docket and would I mind returning the appliance to the place of purchase.

To tell you the truth I do mind. The ruddy thing is heavy but what can I do but keep coming back just like the doomed Flying Dutchman?

In the sixties women underwent fertility treatment based on gonadotrophins. Some of them became pregnant which made them happy. At the time I was uneasy about interfering with nature but the entire matter was hailed as being the solution for infertility. Decades later, some of those women developed that devastating illness, Creutzfeld Jakob, a variant of mad cow disease.

There is no way that such suffering and death could be considered worthwhile. Continue reading →

Here we are again in the season of summer fruit. I tasted the strawberries and they are not worth eating. I tasted the blueberries and they are bland. The melons aren’t bad but they aren’t good either. Nectarines are awful too. So why is fruit so tasteless? Will we blame everything on the drought when fruit hasn’t been good for more than a decade?

In my opinion, too much emphasis is placed on making fruit look attractive and stay fresh longer but its flavour is disappointing. Last winter I finally gave up on buying mandarines because they were bad. We could blame the citrus blight or whatever it was in Queensland but mandarines have been unappetising way before the latest fiasco.

If I were blindfolded I would have to judge that most fruit tastes like cucumber and that’s okay if you want cucumber, but when you want to enjoy a luscious berry, perhaps you should buy the tinned ones from Canada. That country hasn’t yet managed to sacrifice flavour for profit.

Flowers aren’t as fragrant either. From what I have observed at flower markets, the only ones with perfume are the Oriental Lilies. It’s only a matter of time before lilies lose their perfume too. Sadly, it’s all about appearance in the floral world as well nowadays. When I asked the stall owner at the market why this was happening, I was told that deperfumed flowers last longer.

But if that’s the case then why not buy artificial ones? They look good, last a long time and are equally lacking in perfume. In fact, an enterprising businessman could incorporate a continuous spray that could emanate from the artificial flowers and so you would have the best of both worlds. Isn’t it a pity that I should even be suggesting this!

A report has just come out which states that many men have had to support children who aren’t theirs. In December 2007 I wrote that it would be a good idea if there were compulsory paternity tests at birth.

“Fathers” can now demand a paternity test if they have any doubts about the child they are supporting. This matter can be brought to court and those little “ladies” who have been milking men dry will have to repay what they stole from them. This legal action is costly nowadays and if tests were automatic there would be no need for this expenditure.

Just as I have always maintained that men who father children should be responsible for their upkeep, I am adamant that women who defraud a man in that way are no better than common criminals. They should at least repay the money and perhaps have a conviction of fraud awarded against them.

What sort of a woman is it who doesn’t know who fathered her child? Say no more. And if such a female has several children by different fathers she could just sit back and let everyone else pay for her follies. It seems so unfair to me.

There is no excuse nowadays for bringing an unwanted child into the world. Not with the availability of contraception. And if the woman belongs to a religion that forbids contraception, she is still breaking a cardinal rule by having sex outside marriage. She can’t have it both ways- be against contraception while being sexually irresponsible.

Anyway, I actually don’t care what that kind of woman does, but I do care for the poor children who result from her behaviour. These unfortunates need to be supported financially and it is the duty of the biological father to help out.

That is why I am all for paternity tests at birth. If every child has one then there will be no stigma attached to the procedure. An added bonus of this testing is that there will not be any mix-ups about wrong babies being taken home. That’s assuming that the mother can remember the name of the fellow she slept with.

An Australian woman on a Bali beach said that if the government wanted her not to go to Bali then it should have upgraded its warning. There are none so blind, I guess …or deaf… or perhaps drunk.

Our Foreign Minister, Stephen Smith, has been warning all Aussies to avoid Indonesia and Bali in particular, but apparently the enticement of cheap drinks, and cheap accommodation is still worth the risk for some people. They are willing to risk getting blown up for the alcohol and the suntan.

So what would happen if the terrorists who are threatening vengeance for the deaths of those smiling murderous jackasses, actually carried out their threats? I don’t think the government of Australia would say “I told you so.” But it would have every right to say it.

As for capital punishment, I don’t agree with it because it brutalises society. I also believe that the terrorists should have spent the rest of their miserable lives in solitary confinement. Perhaps then that would have wiped the smiles off their faces.

Watching overseas news this morning, I was confronted with the sight of groups of Christian priests having a violent interlude at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. Apparently, this conflict between Armenian Christian priests and Greek Orthodox priests is a regular occurrence because they both have to share the same holy site.

What was so ironic was that Israeli police had to break up the fight.

Couldn’t help but wonder what J.C would make of all this.

How sad that defeated New Zealand Prime Minister, Helen Clark, could not accept her loss graciously. She spat out the sour grapes when she spoke about the new Prime Minister, John Key. He, on the other hand, displayed courtesy by paying tribute to Clark.

I can’t understand what Clark stands to gain by being nasty about her defeat. Compare that attitude with the gracious way that John McCain took the blame on himself for not winning the U.S presidential election. It says a lot about the man.

I was in New Zealand in March and everyone I spoke with told me how much they can’t stand Clark and can’t wait to vote her out.

It’s a wise person who knows how to win but an equally wise person who can accept defeat graciously.

So long Helen!

So he bought his degree instead of studying for it, so what? He paid for it in good faith. It’s not as if he stole it. Money was handed over, after all. Let’s face it, studying can be such a strain. You have to attend lectures, write essays, present seminar papers, learn stuff and then sit for exams and PASS.

In today’s world of plagiarism and pretending to be what you are not, like educated, for example, this is simply going that bit further. Raw ambition turns people into hypocrites and the Interior Minister of Iran decided he wanted to be a graduate.

He’s not the first and he’s not the last to cheat. In all honesty, I have met some graduates on whom education has left no lasting impression. Who knows if they didn’t purchase their degrees from the good old Iranian minister’s Alma Mater?

Not many people know this but there exists an institution of higher learning which is the envy of many. Entrance to its course is ultra exclusive owing to its specialised training. Only the elite graduates of the catering and hospitality industry or stars from the Cirque du Soleil company have any hope of being admitted into the hallowed profession of the cracked pepper mill virtuoso.

We all react in sheer amazement at the dexterity of a Kylie or a Shane who brandishes this most iconic of restaurant paraphernalia. With what eloquence and what grace do the waiters and waitresses offer to crack the old pepper mill for us!

And don’t we feel especially pampered when they insist on doing the cracking themselves rather than have us blunder with our clumsy efforts. Can you imagine the catastrophe if we, mere mortals, tried to handle the holy grail ourselves?

I have personally witnessed microsurgeons and neurosurgeons brought to their knees in hopelessness at having to crack the pepper mill themselves. It is simply too challenging for them to be giving the mill a twist this way and then that way over their medium rare.

Thank goodness that Kylie has taken the special course in cracking the old pepper mill or we would be in despair. What to do? What to do? It’s all so too, too complicated, isn’t it?

We may be allowed to wield the old knife and fork, the crab crackers, the salt and sugar cruets and even the tomato sauce. We may even muck around with the pair of chopsticks, but it will be a long time before we can be trusted with the prized pepper grinder.

Until then, we will have to satisfy ourselves with saying “yes please” like some kindergarten kid who is being offered a treat. To say “no” would surely be extremely rude to Kylie who has evidently trained for years at that elite institution so that she can perform this most complicated of manoeuvres.