Not many people know this but there exists an institution of higher learning which is the envy of many. Entrance to its course is ultra exclusive owing to its specialised training. Only the elite graduates of the catering and hospitality industry or stars from the Cirque du Soleil company have any hope of being admitted into the hallowed profession of the cracked pepper mill virtuoso.
We all react in sheer amazement at the dexterity of a Kylie or a Shane who brandishes this most iconic of restaurant paraphernalia. With what eloquence and what grace do the waiters and waitresses offer to crack the old pepper mill for us!
And don’t we feel especially pampered when they insist on doing the cracking themselves rather than have us blunder with our clumsy efforts. Can you imagine the catastrophe if we, mere mortals, tried to handle the holy grail ourselves?
I have personally witnessed microsurgeons and neurosurgeons brought to their knees in hopelessness at having to crack the pepper mill themselves. It is simply too challenging for them to be giving the mill a twist this way and then that way over their medium rare.
Thank goodness that Kylie has taken the special course in cracking the old pepper mill or we would be in despair. What to do? What to do? It’s all so too, too complicated, isn’t it?
We may be allowed to wield the old knife and fork, the crab crackers, the salt and sugar cruets and even the tomato sauce. We may even muck around with the pair of chopsticks, but it will be a long time before we can be trusted with the prized pepper grinder.
Until then, we will have to satisfy ourselves with saying “yes please” like some kindergarten kid who is being offered a treat. To say “no” would surely be extremely rude to Kylie who has evidently trained for years at that elite institution so that she can perform this most complicated of manoeuvres.