Review of David Lodge’s “Deaf Sentence”

I have enjoyed David Lodge’s writing ever since I watched a U.K mini-series based on his novel, “Nice Work”. After watching this entertaining duel between a working class bloke played by Warren Clarke of “Dalziel and Pascoe” fame and a snooty university type, I couldn’t wait to read the original novel.
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You never know when it may come in handy.

I’m thinking of going on the ABC’s TV show, “The Collectors.” In my case, there should be a programme called “The Reluctant Collectors” devoted to people who have bought rubbish but are too mean to throw it out. It would be such a waste. You never know when it may come in handy. The obvious answer is never, but you never know…

Logic has no place in this kind of reasoning, so you throw the annoyingly useless item in that mysterious cupboard filled with said items. One fine day you will de-clutter your home but not yet. Why, there must be thousands of people who need twenty teapots that leak, or a magic can opener that doesn’t require you to hold it so that you can save precious time in your busy schedule, or that fantastic duster that turns around by itself and cleans everything in your home. Think of how much physical energy you could save!

None?

That’s right. None at all, because it doesn’t work. It revolves all right, but it doesn’t pick up any dust. So instead of calling it the Go-Duster it should be called the No-Go Duster.

Never mind, there will be something even bigger and brighter being flogged tomorrow and you can buy two of them, give one to a friend and save on the postage and handling or P&H as it is known in the business. That’s what they call that bit of the payment which is non-refundable and becomes the profit even if the item stinks and is returned by someone who bothers to do so.

The latest items to be flogged to death are tongue cleaners. These are ghastly rubber things that should be used every day on your tongue to eradicate the millions of bacteria lodged there. To my horror, it appears I have been totally neglectful of this area even though I brushed my tongue when necessary, especially after eating licorice.

Another gadget doing the rounds is the ergonomically designed rough skin eradicator which does wonders for your feet. No more unsightly patches of dead skin on the heels weighing you down, just velvety smooth peds, all thanks to this amazing invention. The whole thing fits snugly into the palm of your hand. I’m not quite certain why that should be an advantage unless you plan to do some conjuring tricks with it, but one thing for sure is that it’s a gadget that would end up in that cupboard of mine were I to purchase it. Which I won’t. Not yet, anyway. Not unless it comes with a free offer, some tongue cleaners perhaps.

A long time ago, before I graduated to tiny gadgets, I used to buy gym equipment. I had a rowing machine, an exa-gym, a trampoline and a stationary bike, and had I made use of them I would have enjoyed enviable health by now. What I liked most about this equipment is it would slide easily under the bed when not in use. The problem was that after a while these things remained under the bed, under many beds, in fact, in wardrobes, in the garage, in the spare room. It was as if I had a secret cache of contraptions, out of view, so as not to make me feel too guilty. Any day now, I was going to wheel out the stuff and embark on my fitness regime.

One of the happiest moments in my life was when I finally sold all the gym equipment (hardly used -as good as new) for a hundredth of the original cost to a person who is just about to embark on a fitness regime of her own any minute now.

I console myself in the knowledge that I am recycling this equipment so my carbon footprint is negligible and does not damage the environment.

As for the small gadgets that I have accumulated in that cupboard, the next time I have a blitz clean, I intend to throw out anything that’s not useful. Well, perhaps I’ll offer them to a charity cause there must be someone out there who could make good use of them.

There’s no hole in the bucket, dear Roma, dear Roma

Had you been in the lady’s loo in Myer yesterday you would have seen me filling a teapot with water and pouring it out again.

When someone came into the loo I expected a strange look followed by a quick exit. What I heard instead were comments such as “good idea”. “Well, does it leak? No? Oh good!”

It made me feel like the people’s advocate. Wish I had thought of this idea myself, but I actually received the advice from Roma who commented on my previous blog about leaky teapots. She acknowledged the sensible advice from Chris who says that she always tests teapots before buying them.

I bought some gel inserts for my sore feet yesterday as well. Too bad that I couldn’t test them before wasting $17 on that rubbish