totally absurd

Lili says no to Tiger Woods

liligans totally absurd

Went to my “Women who have not slept with Tiger Woods or Bill Clinton” meeting this week and it was pretty lonely there. Just a couple of us, really. And it’s not as if we hadn’t been approached by either of the gentlemen. The other member of our club was a golf pro who had offered to caddy for Tiger but that’s as far as she was prepared to go.

As for me, I really didn’t want to come between a man and his wife. Call me old-fashioned, but I was primarily thinking of my own marriage. It isn’t easy being married and I wasn’t prepared to risk it all just for the glory of being another bimbo who fell for a celebrity.

Which brings me to the sad truth of it all. If it weren’t for the fact that Tiger and Old Bill are famous men, would anyone, including their wives, give them the time of day? There is an old Jewish saying that a rich man is handsome, has a great personality and sings well too.

Hamas’s joke of the day

liligans Politics, So you think you're cultured?, totally absurd

You have to laugh. Hamas has just announced that it has come to an agreement with militant groups in Gaza to stop firing rockets into Israel. The reason for this, and this is the punchline, is to stop retaliation by Israel. Get it? If we don’t attack Israel in the first place then it won’t hit us back. What an epiphany!!!

Isn’t that what Israel has been saying all the time? It has to defend its people from rocket attacks from Gaza.

The only reason that Israel has ever retaliated is when the Palestinians and their supporters have attacked Israel. If they stop that then perhaps peace will have a chance. Will they stop attacking Israel? Not bloody likely cause attacking Israel is their only reason for existing.

Kevin Rudd’s failed Pacific Solution

liligans Politics, So you think you're cultured?, totally absurd

I applaud the New Zealand government for refusing to allow some of the Tamil blackmailers on the Oceanic Viking to resettle in New Zealand. Prime Minister Rudd has been told that New Zealand doesn’t approve of queue-jumpers, nor does it want to be viewed as an easy destination by people-smugglers and their customers.

So our “tough but compassionate” Prime Minister is hunting high and low for another country to accept the Tamils. A possible destination is the Philippines, but I doubt that the Tamils will agree to disembark in that country. They are demanding to be sent to Australia and won’t settle for anything else.

That certainly does not sound as if the Tamils’ only motivation for leaving Sri Lanka was to save their skins.

If Rudd capitulates and brings the blackmailers to Christmas Island then that will be regarded as a failure of his refugee policy. Anyhow, if he criticised the previous Australian government’s handling of boat people and smugglers which was called the Pacific Solution, why is he scouting the Pacific nations in the hope of relieving himself of these queue-jumpers?

Surely there is not much difference between Rudd’s Pacific Odyssey and John Howard’s Pacific Solution except that Howard’s one worked as a deterrent while Rudd’s is an embarrassment. Meanwhile we wait to see what bright idea Rudd can come up with to remove the egg on his face.

Kevin Rudd is hard and soft, black and white: A man for all seasons?

liligans Politics, So you think you're cultured?, totally absurd

There is no denying that what the Australian people admire most is a strong leader. In fact, that’s what everyone wants in a leader- leadership qualities.

At the moment, Prime Minister Rudd, who is known for being bossy with his staff, is showing signs of wavering in another field. This is caused by his desire to please everybody and when you are motivated by trying to please everyone, you end up looking weak and namby pamby and you please no-one

For a man who constantly states “The reality is” and “The bottom line is” in a most definite way he can’t seem to get to the crux of the problem with the Sri Lankan Tamils on the Oceanic Viking.

We cannot allow these Tamils to land in Australia because they have been blackmailing us. This is the first point to be acknowledged. We must not give in to blackmail otherwise we will be doomed to experience this stand-off over and over again. This is the reality, Mr Rudd.

There is not much point in sending our Foreign Minister, Stephen Smith, to Sri Lanka with bags of cash if the Tamils refuse to go back there. And even if the Sri Lankan government promises to monitor outgoing vessels with Tamils on them, what is in it for the Sri Lankan government which is quite happy to get rid of these unwelcome Tamils from its strife-torn country? Why would they want them back, for crying out loud?

I would have preferred Rudd to talk tough and act tough. We don’t want cuddly wuddly sweet talk. We want a leader who leads and who is prepared to secure our shores and our airways from unwelcome arrivals.

Let us instead open our arms and welcome legitimate refugees who have been languishing for years in refugee centres just because they can’t afford to pay people-smugglers. Why doesn’t Mr Rudd announce that we will invite 10,000 legitimate refugees to our country instead of these 78 blackmailers?

There is something inherently unfair about people who push in getting ahead of the rest of the queue. It’s wrong and the Prime Minister should point that out in no uncertain terms.

You never know, with all this unsettled weather, there may be another cyclone in the area and the Tamils will have to be rescued by the Indonesians, for their own good…

Did Kim Hill really say that?

liligans So you think you're cultured?, totally absurd

I can’t imagine that this is what Kim Hill, Chief Executive of the Northern Land Council (an Aboriginal group) really meant what he said when he said the following:-

“We’d like to see traditional owners have their own shops in Paris selling their own skins.”

He was referring apparently to selling crocodile skins. I thought they were a protected species, the crocodiles, I mean… Oops, I almost made the same linguistic error as Mr Hill.

The joy of the football final in Melbourne

liligans So you think you're cultured?, totally absurd

It was marvellous on Saturday. The football final was on and everyone in Melbourne was watching the match. Or so it seemed when we set out on our drive to Chadstone Shopping Mall. I had never seen the roads so empty. They reminded me of that film “The Mouse that Roared” in which the world’s smallest nation, the Grand Duchy of Fenwick, decides to invade the U.S.A. and be defeated in the hope of receiving compensation from the wealthiest nation in the world.

The Fenwickians are unfortunate in that they invade the U.S.A. on a day when all Americans are taking part in a nuclear war drill and so the streets are totally empty. There is nobody around to accept their surrender and so the invasion is a financial defeat.

Well, that’s exactly how Melbourne looked on Saturday. Melburnians were hunkered down in shelters in front of their plasmas and the Fenwickians could do their worst. Melbourne just didn’t give a damn.

What bliss! I drove calmly along deserted main roads. There were parking spots galore at the Chadstone complex. When we entered the Mall we could actually see where we were walking instead of being pushed and jostled by the Proletariat.

We strolled and rambled and took in the sights. Football time and the shoppin’ is easy…Fish are jumpin’ and the cotton is high… I couldn’t help it. I warbled cheerfully as we shopped.

I often think that the world would be a wonderful place if it weren’t for the people in it. Which reminds me of a conversation we had with some friends who love exotic travel. They told us we must go to Borneo to see the Orangutans. Apparently, one journeys into the jungle and then is placed in a cage. Before too long curious Orangutans come out of hiding to have a peek at the visitors. The irony of it all was lost on the narrators.

On reflection, however, considering the demeanour of human beings, I think that it’s as it should be. I can envisage cruise ships full of Orangutans coming to observe us in our natural habitats. The antics of football fans should guarantee a few chuckles among our primate cousins. Go the Pussycats!!!

Not a problem

liligans totally absurd

At first I was understandably reluctant to ask the waitress for a glass of water with our cappuccino, but then I took the plunge and made the request.

She took it very well, I thought and when she assured me it was “not a problem” I wiped my fevered brow with relief. After all, the last thing in the world that I would like to do is to cause her a problem. I was tempted to ask her if it was really not a problem or was she just being self-sacrificing by pouring the glass of water and placing it in front of me.

On reflection, however, I thought it was best not to ask her what problem she had envisaged in the first place regarding the request. I concluded that perhaps it would be a problem for some people but that, in fact, being the accomplished waitress that she was, her talents would not be stretched too far if I were to request a glass of water.

She had already reassured us that it was not a problem to bring us the menu. Not a problem to take our order. Not a problem to bring us a knife and fork wrapped up in a paper serviette and not a problem when we asked for the menu again before ordering coffee.

Indeed, I have never seen a person who insisted on sharing her feelings about the lack of problems as much as this lovely young girl did. It made me feel so happy to observe how she managed to get through the entire ordeal without a solitary problem.

When we left the restaurant, we expressed our gratitude and that’s when she changed her response to “No worries.” Now I’m really perplexed. What worries did she have that are gone or is she simply informing us that she hasn’t a care in the world? What was left for me to say but “I’m glad to hear it.”

It’s better than the usual grunt, I suppose, but I definitely could do with less sharing of feelings in the service industry. After all, all I asked for was some food and drink, not a cure for global warming…

Catastrophic news about the end of the world!

liligans So you think you're cultured?, totally absurd

My head is about to explode with the trauma of it all. I’ve just heard that the planet Mercury may collide with Earth and I haven’t been able to relax ever since. Now it isn’t definite BUT it’s possible that Mercury will do this terrible thing in about 3 BILLION years. Apparently, it’s the fault of Jupiter, don’t ya know.

What with swine flu, climate change, terrorism, the economic downturn and Gordon Ramsey’s tantrums, I would have thought that we had enough to contend with at the moment. But no, talk about kicking us when we’re down. It’s simply too unbearable to contemplate, so I’m just going to try to ignore the rantings of yet another research scholar who is short of a thesis topic.

Good news! I have investigated this TV story further (on Google) and have learned that the French researchers from Nature magazine say it could happen in the next 5 BILLION years, not 3 Billion. Phew! What a relief. Had me worried there for a while.