It’s time to talk about moving forward.

liligans What Pisses me off

Whenever I hear the words, “Moving Forward” I want to throw up. Flashbacks of our Prime Minister droning on about moving forward will have that effect on me for many years to come. I can’t help it. She has totally ruined that phrase for me. It was the same with ex Prime Minister Rudd who used the word “robust” so often that I have had to cross it out of my lexicon. And then there’s “argy-bargy” which was done to death by the former Premier of Queensland and is being regurgitated by the current Premier, Anna Bligh.

Who can forget “incentivisation” or “incentivation”? Now that was trendy, wasn’t it and so corporate. The former Prime Minister of Australia, John Howard, adopted the latter as his motto. Fortunately, it has gone with the wind.

The latest annoyance comes from the overuse of “paradigm”. We are served paradigms with breakfast, lunch and dinner. The politicians have grabbed hold of this term and will not let go of it. We have new improved paradigms, hormone-free paradigms, gluten-free paradigms, environmentally friendly paradigms. For crying out loud, give it a rest!

These politicians act like pit bull terriers. They latch on to a word until it becomes the mot du jour. Over and over and over again it will be repeated on TV and in the newspapers. It is mind numbing. I find that I don’t even listen to what they are saying because I’m too busy counting the number of times they have repeated that infernal word.

And so I come to the coup de grâce… the phrase, “the elephant in the room.” Apparently, there is an elephant in the room. We don’t talk about it. We should because it’s there. What is? Well, the elephant is. It’s there but we are ignoring it. So when are we going to notice it or acknowledge it, whatever it is? I don’t know. Nor do I care. Let’s just go on to the next tedious phrase, shall we? Can we? Yes, we can… Oops…

The hills are alive with the sound of Julia Gillard

liligans Politics, So you think you're cultured?

Poor Prime Minister Gillard. First, Hillary Clinton refers to Gillard’s nemesis, Kevin Rudd, as being the current Prime Minister of Australia. And now during the G20 meeting in Korea, we find an official display figurine of Prime Minister Gillard sporting the Aussie national costume. Except that it isn’t.

It’s definitely a dirndl which is worn in some parts of Austria, Germany, Liechtenstein and Switzerland.

The costume consists of a bodice, blouse and full skirt and is very fetching indeed, but I can’t quite imagine the Prime Minister of Australia discarding her comfortable pantsuits for the colourful peasant garb.

I have to admit that there is a niggling desire in my mischievous mind to see her front up to an official G20 function in a dirndl. I guarantee that if she did that nobody would confuse Austria and Australia in the future. Go ahead and do it, Julia… please…

Film Critics should study the History of Cinema

liligans Films, So you think you're cultured?

It amazes me how film and TV critics reveal their lack of knowledge of the medium. They come out in praise of ancient filming techniques as if these were innovations.

Take “The Social Network” as an example of this.

I had to laugh when a film critic by the name of Adam Kamien actually described the use of actor, Armie Hammer, in a dual role of identical twins, the Winklevoss brothers, as “a stroke of genius.” This is hardly new nor is it a stroke of genius. Does anyone remember “The Patty Duke Show” (1963-1966)? It’s a very old and common device in movie production.

Personally, I picked that it was a dual role as soon as I saw the Winklevosses on the screen and no, I had not looked up the cast before going to the movie theatre.

The Social Network movie- a big yawn

liligans Films, So you think you're cultured?

Had it not been for the ABC’s “At The Movies” high rating for this film, I would not have thought of going to see it. However, when a film about the founder of Facebook receives a high five from a critic like David Stratton, then I am persuaded to give it a go. David had said that he had not expected to like “The Social Network” but was pleasantly surprised. I, on the other hand, expected to like this film because of his review but was very disappointed.

Why? Well, it seemed disjointed and poorly scripted. The main actor who played Mark Zuckerberg, was excellent. But the other actors resembled caricatures, monofaceted and so many of them overacted. It is not easy to make a story of a young man’s rise to fame and fortune tedious, but this film managed to do it.

We should have been fascinated by this “genius” but he seemed like he was just playing in the lost children’s section of Toys R US. Poor little hacker…

I found myself looking at my watch to see how long there is to go. There were some noisy coke (as in cocaine) scenes. The portrayal of young women in the film was abysmal. They all seemed to be rather sluttish, apart from the one who had broken Zuckerberg’s heart and sent him on the road to billions.

It was a rather sad and confusing movie which had much potential in the beginning but which failed to deliver. Having said all this, I realise that other reviews have been favourable and my opinion is not that of the majority.

I would even go so far as to admit that had I been watching “The Social Network” at home on TV I would have switched channels after the first dreary half hour, but you know how it is, I had paid for my movie ticket and by George I was going to get my money’s worth of suffering lol.

Tony Curtis made me do a double take last week

liligans Films, Literature, So you think you're cultured?

Many of us remember how good looking and affable Tony Curtis was. He was a mega film star in his day and with his passing last week we lost another great from the Golden Years of Hollywood.

No matter how successful Curtis was he never forgot his humble Bronx roots and that was part of his charm.

I did a double take when I read that he was buried with a copy of “Anthony Adverse.” For some reason I got the notion that “Anthony Adverse” had been written by Henry Fielding, the Eighteenth Century novelist responsible for “Joseph Andrews” and “Tom Jones.”

Well, it did sound like the sort of thing that Fielding would have written. It could even have been the work of Samuel Richardson, perhaps. Imagine my surprise that Tony Curtis would have chosen to be buried with a copy of an English Eighteenth Century classic!

I was amazed and very impressed to have learned of this facet of Tony Curtis’s character. I mean, not only was Tony a hunk but he was also an intellectual! I practically swooned. He wasn’t just a pretty face.

I decided to google “Anthony Adverse”……….

What are you reading?

liligans So you think you're cultured?, What Pisses me off

There are some pretentious people around. You know the ones I mean. They figure in that aspirational waste of paper called “Wish” published monthly by The Australian. In it you will find ads for luxury items as well as interviews with “names” who are into meditation and Zen and organic carrots.

They are the ones who have made it, so to speak. We apparently want to know what they are reading, eating, wearing and driving. How do they cope with their success? It can be a problem, you know, and my heart goes out to them.

Well, they seem to be doing quite well, really. Bravo! And if life gets too hectic they escape to their hobby farms where they grow their carrots and herbs. We used to say that everything was rosy but now it’s green. Green this green that. Quite frankly, I’m a little bit tired of all things green.

Above all, what really intrigues me about the glitterati is their choice of reading matter. It’s never Mills and Boon. Not for them the dime novels. As relaxation they prefer to read the entire Oxford Dictionary, all twelve tomes of it. I wonder if they ever get past B for BS. And if it’s not a dictionary then it’s the latest thriller by Kierkegaard or that other barrel of laughs, Nietzsche. How impressive is that? I’m quite green with envy.

Call me a cynic but I don’t believe them for one second. Those are the books they display and yes, they mean to read them one day. Of course they do. Or rather they intend to when they have a decade to spare. But meanwhile they’re into the Hello magazines and Who Weekly.

So what am I reading? How about the Target catalogue? My favourite restaurant? The Felafel Place or Grill’d. My favourite tipple? Bud Lite which I can’t even buy in Australia, so I go for Ginger Beer or tomato juice. My latest gadget? Kindle, so that I can get all the free books online, even the Complete Oxford Dictionary should I want it. Somehow, that doesn’t have the same cachet as having a dozen dictionaries strewn around that trendy coffee table.

Why four seasons in Melbourne are simply not enough

liligans So you think you're cultured?

In May of this year I raved on about the wondrous weather in Melbourne. I was enjoying Autumn with its vestment of brown and gold, its cool nights and invigorating breezes. I looked forward to doonas and scarves and warm cuddly dressing gowns. I thought about buying one of those blankets with sleeves. I even quoted Keats.

Well, that jubilation lasted about a fortnight. You can have too much of a good thing, you know. A drop of a few degrees in temperature and what was bracing becomes bloody unbearable. What was comforting, such as an open fire, becomes a longing for fresh air. Going outside resembles an Antarctic expedition. Should I take a coat or an anorak? Do I need gloves? How about the thermal underwear? What if it warms up? (I threw that in just for a joke).

Might as well take the lot. In Melbourne you never know. Actually, that’s not quite true. Cause you know that whatever you take with you is the wrong thing. You should have worn the Michelin Man coat with the extra warm collar, the vest, the Gortex which cost a fortune. All those things that would serve you well if you entered the Iditarod competition.

The thrill of it all does wear off pretty quickly and you wish that the season, which has already lasted a full fortnight, would be over. And then Winter comes and you deposit your entire woolly wardrobe into your car, just in case.

You start watching the weather forecast for your previous abode in Queensland and you wonder if high humidity in the tropics was really all that bad, after all. From this perspective a day or two of higher temperatures would be most welcome.

Not for long, just a few days of warmth to defrost the bones would be perfect.

A week of one kind of weather is enough, in my opinion. Enough to provide variety without becoming tedious. So Autumn is perfectly acceptable if it doesn’t last too long. The same goes for the other three seasons. I would like shorter seasons, perhaps a dozen of them throughout the year. You would never get bored with the stifling heat or freeze to death with the cold. Relief would be just around the corner.

Look at it as a rebirth, a constant renewal. It would hardly be worthwhile storing your Winter Woollies in the dark recesses of your wardrobe. They could remain permanently in the boot of your car with the sun lotion and swimgear. I’m not sure how practical that would be, though.

So let’s forget the change of clothes and concentrate on what I know to be true. Seasons are good but they go on for too long. Unfortunately, what seems to be a welcome change in the weather soon becomes an irritation. Nature is fickle but I am more so, I guess. “Here comes the Sun and I say it’s all right…” for a short while, that is.

Melbourne streets deserted during AFL (not so) Grand Final

liligans Society, totally absurd

You could have exploded firecrackers in the streets of Melbourne yesterday afternoon and nobody would have noticed.

It was reminiscent of the scene that greeted the invaders from that 1959 Peter Sellers film, “The Mouse that Roared.” The impoverished principality, The Grand Duchy of Fenwick, had decided to invade the U.S in order to be defeated and thereby be eligible for great sums of money as compensation from the U.S for their losses.

As it happens, everything went wrong and the best laid plans of mice and men came to a tragic end. The Fenwickians had attacked the U.S on the very day that some nuclear war games were being staged and so the streets in the U.S were deserted. There was no opposition to the invasion. Regrettably, The Grand Duchy of Fenwick was the victor.

And so it was in Melbourne yesterday. The gentle folk of Melbourne were either in the stadium or were glued to their TV sets watching a most auspicious Grand Final football match between St Kilda and Collingwood.

We felt like the only people in Melbourne who did not watch the match since we belong to the AFL, the Anti Football Club. That’s not quite true, however. We aren’t against football. It’s just that we simply don’t care.

Anyhow, it turns out that just like the recent federal election, the whole thing ended in a draw and so has to be repeated next week.

Australia seems to be plagued by draws lately, but at least the football will have a rematch while our government is still trying to work things out without a rematch.

What really intrigued me last week was a report of a 70 something year old man being bashed up outside a supermarket. The widower was described as a Collingwood supporter and I wondered what difference did this make in the scheme of things. Had he not been a Collingwood supporter would the attack have been justified?

The whole incident was over some youths who had been rude to the man inside the store and then waited for him outside and bashed him up. It had nothing to do with football. Nor did it have anything to do with the fact that he lost his wife six years ago and had been doing the shopping himself ever since. Many people do their own shopping, don’t they?

What did any of this have to do with the attack? It’s what I call irrelevant padding to make a story seem sadder than it is. “Elderly man bashed up by youths” is apparently not horrifying enough for these reporters. But it should be!

The Delhi Folly

liligans So you think you're cultured?, totally absurd

There’s no chance that terrorists will venture into the Commonwealth Games venues. It’s just too bloody dangerous for them. Jihadists wouldn’t get far before a bridge would collapse, a ceiling would fall on their heads or dengue fever would drag them down. And if that didn’t get them, then they would succumb to horrid infections from the dreadful hygiene in the athletes’ village.

So what did the official spokesman for the games reply when he was questioned about the standard of preparation for the games. “Not a problem,” he said. “It is world class.” Third world, I guess. lol

Now I’m certain we are assured of a large TV audience for the games. Who can resist watching the whole thing fall apart? Will the swimming pools leak? Will the running tracks crumble underfoot?

Suddenly there’s renewed interest in these anachronistic games.

That’s if athletes bother to turn up and risk life and limb. As for tourism? Well, there should be plenty of discounts for masochists. Just getting to the venues in one piece should provide much excitement. They could even make a fortune selling T-shirts that read “I went to Delhi AND I came back!”

How the liberals in the U.S want to change history

liligans So you think you're cultured?

I wonder how long it will be before the horrifying events of 9/11 are described as being an invention of history. Will 9/11 be a victim of deniers the way the Holocaust is being denied by vested interests?

It hardly seems possible, but I attended a function at Monash University last Wednesday evening which set off alarm bells in my mind. The function was meant to be a conversation with three academics, Jack Miles, Waleed Aly and Geoffrey Garrett with follow-up questions from the audience. It was being held four days after the ninth anniversary of 9/11 and its title was:-

9/11 America and Islam Nine Years On.

In spite of the miserable weather in Melbourne I was not going to miss this discussion as I regard 9/11 as a turning point in the way that the West and the U.S in particular view the Islamic world.

All three academics are respected scholars. I had heard Professor Garrett and Waleed Aly speak before and looked forward to what should have been an elucidating discussion on the set topic.

The conversation was animated. Jack Miles was a typical Californian University professor with very left leanings who worships President Obama. He did admit that the great white hope should have kept out of the Ground Zero mosque debate, but apart from that his hero could walk on water.

Waleed Aly could not understand why New Yorkers would object to the mosque since it was really a Y.M.C.A, a sort of gesture of friendship to N.Yorkers. Jack Miles added that the protests had been machinated by Republicans in anticipation of the coming November elections.

After about an hour and a half of very interesting discussions, I was puzzled by something that was missing in the whole conversation. Not once had any of the academics mentioned 9/11. Wasn’t this the topic for the evening? I checked the invitation. Yes, there it was in bold letters and yet not one of them had mentioned September 2001.

Exasperated by such a gross omission, I asked the question. Why was the set topic being ignored? I read out the topic and asked that it be discussed. Professor Garrett apologised but Professor Miles was adamant that Americans aren’t worried about terrorism as much as they used to be.

Was that any reason for not discussing the impact of 9/11? Were Americans really not concerned about 9/11 and terrorism any more? Or was this, as I suspect, a desire on the part of the liberals in the U.S to relegate the attack on the Twin Towers to a glitch, an aberration, something to shelve and forget?

I was outraged by this attitude. Miles even said that the U.S was such a violent nation that the only reason 9/11 made news is that the numbers of dead, almost 3000, was more than the usual dozen or so who are murdered every day in the States.

He apparently couldn’t differentiate between ordinary violent crime in the U.S and an attack by terrorists on the soul of the American people.

I imagined that in time, if academics like Miles had their way, 9/11 would be forgotten and that some of them would even claim it didn’t happen. Revisionists would triumph while the truth would lie dead.

p.s Following the function and as I was leaving, I was approached by at least a dozen people, people whom I’d never met before, who thanked me for my question. They had been wondering when the academics would get down to the set topic. Sometimes you just have to speak up.