I’ve always wondered what ETERNITY feels like. Is it a vast nothingness that goes on forever? Well, I’ve just had a taste of it and it is oh so boring… Remember when Elaine in “Seinfeld” commented on “The English Patient” with Kristin Scott Thomas being so long and too slow? Well, this time Kristin Scott Thomas stars in a film that makes “The English Patient” look like an action movie starring Bruce Lee.

“I’ve loved you so long” is one of those movies that impresses film festivals. It has won awards. But the story is predictable and it is related in a slow and “artistic manner” that offers the audience tapas of facts. Little bits here and there and we find out why Juliette has been away for fifteen years and is out of touch with present society.

Is she a mean and nasty murderer? There are no surprises in this film, but we are left with a lot of questions. Knowing what Juliette knew, why did she not present the facts at her trial? Nobody would have given her a life sentence, so the whole plot is rather weak. It is as if the director wanted to milk the situation for every drop of sympathy.

I nodded off occasionally because of the relentless slow pace. There were thousands of close-ups of Kristin Scott Thomas as she sat around and said nothing. So many moments of silence!

One felt like shouting “Get on with it already!”

Yes, she acted quite well and she will get more awards because pretty actresses who removes their make-up, or put on weight or put on artificial noses to make themselves ugly inevitably win an award. Hollywood loves actors who do that.

You watch Brad Pitt win a prize for making himself look a hundred years old in his latest release.

I won’t tell you any more about “I’ve loved you so long” because, quite frankly, there’s nothing more to tell. The best thing about this film is that even if you get an uncomfortable seat at the cinema you will still nod off and get some gentle sleep. Take my advice, do some post-Christmas shopping and have yourself a little nap at the movies. I promise you that even insomniacs will be cured.