Your Royal Highness,

We regret to inform you that Harry’s cover has been blown and so we have to bring him back.

We realise that the mission was to have him “serve” in Afghanistan and be dispatched by the Taliban. He would thus have died a hero’s death in the defence of freedom.

There can be no greater way to go and Harry was most keen to do the soldier bit. Quite frankly, Your Highness , he seems to be a much braver man than Will and this would have served us well.

As you already know, there are not many tunnels and speeding cars over here, and we had intended that the combat take care of the problem. There was so much going for us since it is almost impossible to identify the Taliban individually. Seen one, seen them all. A bit like a white Fiat in France, actually.

Anyhow, the whole thing has gone up in smoke and so he will have to be repatriated. Expecting to convince everyone that the business was a tragic accident for the second time would be too much to ask. We simply can’t take that risk again.

Harry might have come up trumps and receive a hero’s welcome back home, but fingers crossed, sir, we will not let you down next time.

Your obedient servant.

Somebody once asked a wise man for a definition of chutzpah. “Imagine,” he replied, “that a man murders both his parents and at his trial begs the jury to be lenient towards him because he is an orphan. That’s chutzpah.” The closest translation that the English language has of “chutzpah” is “hide.”

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