Gillian Gibbons, anarchist.

Looks like my vacation in the Sudan is on again. For a few days I was apprehensive about visiting the place but when Gillian Gibbons assured the world that the Sudan was truly a lovely spot after all, then I said, why not?

So what if a few thousand Sudanese citizens rampaged in the streets of Khartoum demanding that she be killed for her despicable crime? They were simply expressing an opinion that fifteen lashes were insufficient for the crime of allowing one of her pupils to name a toy bear, “you know what.”

I hope that you’ll understand why I’m not going to commit the same offence as Gillian and that’s why I refer to “you know what.” I would rather that my visit to the Sudan be a temporary one. But in all honesty, I do have to get out of Australia for a while. This country is simply too violent for my liking.

It’s the riots in the streets of Australia that have made my life here unbearable.

Right now the country is suffering its biggest protest in history. There are thousands of bears demonstrating in all capital cities. Cars have been torched, pedestrians bashed up, shop fronts destroyed and raided. Why, it’s almost as terrifying as being in Paris right now.

Until the riots began, I never knew that Australia was home to so many bears. Armies of Steiff bears from the Antiques Roadshow, Teddy Bears from children’s nurseries, Care-Bears from charities, Pooh Bears from literature and even one snooty Aloysius bear from “Brideshead Revisited” are burning effigies of Mrs Gibbons and demanding that she apologise to all bears for having embarrassed the bear community.

According to their leaders, bears are a peace-loving and very misunderstood species who just want to pursue their lives in a meaningful and religious manner. They live according to the rules written in their holy book, “The Bear Essentials” and they feel that by allowing Mrs Gibbons to name a bear “you know what” it is demeaning to their culture.

The chief bear organiser demands that bears be given more suitable names, such as Teddy, Cuddly, Snuggly or Furry but not “you know what”. The pandas are so stressed out that they’ve developed black circles around their eyes. Their pals, the polar bears, have blanched with fury. Even koalas, who are not strictly bears per se, have joined their fellow protesters and are almost awake during the riots.

It really is pandemonium downunder and I, for one, am in fear for my life. No wonder I can’t wait to escape to the Sudan. What’s the world coming to? How many other Gillian Gibbons are there in this world who just can’t resist causing trouble by going to teach in some peaceful country and upsetting the locals?

I wonder if this troublemaker has finally learned her lesson, but having her rave on about wanting to go back, makes me suspect she hasn’t finished with her anarchic ambitious. Well, she’d better not come here and upset our ursus population, because koalas and their friends can be pretty dangerous when aroused.

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