Now that we have solved all of the world’s problems, namely, Famine, War, Terrorism, Disease, Genocide, and, of course, the big C, Climate Change, it’s time we turned our thoughts to our kissing cousins, the great apes.

There is a movement which started with the Great Ape Project or Gap for short, where else but in Seattle, a city that’s soaked in caffeine and rain, which wants to give human rights to all of the primates. All sorts of primates would be included in this bill of rights, from lemurs, to gibbons, to orangutans, chimps and gorillas. If I have omitted any other primates, please excuse me. The reason for this movement is a biological one because apes and man share all but 2% of DNA.

I think this is a marvellous idea though it is hardly a novelty since I’ve been a pioneer of the Gap movement without even realising it.

When I was teaching high-school, I am quite certain that some of my pupils were closer to the ape world than a mere 2% DNA separation would suggest. They hardly knew where they were, what day it was, how to hold a pen and how to form a sentence, or how to lope along a corridor without bumping into walls and their main form of communication was either a grunt or a shriek.

They would enter the classroom dragging their knuckles along the ground and spend the lesson primping, scratching or eating a banana. Why, Tarzan’s chimp had a better vocabulary than they did and this was before the SMS invasion. In spite of my difficulties I endeavoured to teach them the basics for survival in the human world which was a challenge to them. To this day I am convinced that many of my pupils were primates in school uniform.

So you see, we teachers were up there with the civil libertarians and the Gap people. Where we fell short, however, is, in comparison with the sophisticated people of Madrid. I’m ashamed to say that the Spaniards have outdone me in the realm of equal rights. Last year, Spain’s ruling Socialist party introduced a bill in parliament which will ensure that apes become known as persons with the same rights as human beings…whatever that means. I assume that in Spain that means the right to vote. OLE!!!

This is the same nation which capitulated to the Muslim terrorists following the Madrid bombing, thereby ensuring that violence and threats of violence can be used as an effective weapon against the West.

I abhor any violence, torture, deprivation etc of all animals as well as mere human beings. So much so that I can’t abide animal circuses, horse racing, hunting and fishing and keeping large dogs in tiny apartments. If everyone had the same view as I have there would be no need to legislate for equal rights for apes, would there?

If this legislation is passed how long will it be before we are sued for stealing the primates’ children and taking away their land rights? Will we have reconciliation ceremonies with the monkeys? Will we have to say sorry? Will we have to be politically correct and scratch such offensive terms like “well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” and “going ape” from our lexicons? We really wouldn’t want to upset them, would we?