Hard to believe that some Czechs would pay good money for an Aussie reptile that is a pest around our homes.

Gecko smuggling is apparently very lucrative. Go figure. Geckos aren’t even exclusively Australian since they abound in many warm climates. Wikipedia tells me that there are 1,196 different varieties of them infesting the world. So why all the fuss?

Today’s earth-shattering news is that Australian Customs officers have foiled, yes foiled, a dastardly attempt to smuggle two baby southern leaf tail geckos inside a hollowed-out book after Australia Post tipped them off about a suspicious package bound for the Czech Republic.

You will all be relieved to learn that some five geckos have been rescued by Customs and are now being cared for in homes with licensed reptile hobbyists. Can’t wait for the TV series of that one.

Geckos are dreadful little animals that come out at night and shit all over the place. Their droppings are like bird droppings which make a mess of our patio and our outdoor furniture. In the morning you don’t know what hit you and you have to put on the rubber gloves and start to clean. Quite frankly, the whole business is nauseating.

I had to write a formal apology to the birds that fly past our balcony after blaming them for the mess. I couldn’t understand how those pesky birds had managed to send their droppings all the way inside to the windows. When I finally realised that it was the geckos, those clicking monsters of the night, who were responsible, I felt quite contrite, but it was an honest mistake.

You see, I’m a former Sydneysider and we never had geckos. We had flies and cockroaches, but not tropical geckos. That treat was in store for me in Brisbane.

Gecko faeces were annoying me so much that I even phoned the Government Department which protects our native fauna to ask them about caring for geckos. My intention was to take their advice and then do the exact opposite.

Which didn’t work, of course, because if you know anything about geckos, it’s that they are indestructible. So why this big rescue operation, beats me.

Apparently, we in Australia are extremely possessive about our fauna and flora. The reason behind this is that millions of tourists must naturally want to travel the thirty hours or so in a plane to reach downunder just to see a gecko, some ugly possums and our sickly piddling koalas snoozing up a tree.

Call me unpatriotic but our marsupials are not an attractive collection of animals. Rare they may be and I guess to some people that is their attraction, but when I think of beauty it’s of a gazelle, a condor, a tiger. Waddling wombats and prickly echidnas can only be beautiful to their parents. But at least they don’t defaecate all over the place like the abominable gecko.

I’m not at all surprised that Michael Douglas’s greedy character in “Wall St” was called Gordon Gekko. A very appropriate name. I would cheerfully give my geckos away for free to those poor twits in the Czech Republic but that would be illegal. They don’t know how lucky they are that their sting was discovered before their homes were infested with gecko shit.